Keywords: Rules, Laws, Freedom, Marriage, Happiness, Paradox
Last night i attended the most bizarre wedding party in my life. I was already on my way to bed at around 10:40pm when my phone rang with Hasan on the other end. He asked if I’m going to attend Nabil’s brother’s wedding party. I asked if I was invited, he said yes, of course, all of us are invited. ‘Sure, lets go! give me 10 minutes and I’ll wait for you at the lobby”. I asked if we needed to bring ‘angpao’. “no need, just bring yourself”.
Hasan drove like a mad man. Cursing and swearring along the way. Everyone in Jeddah is a road maniac- no exceptions. Roads here are mostly fat highways, no traffic police and no rules. Not far and difficult to witness the next accident and mangled cars on the road.
After much detour and circling around due to our unfamiliarity with the road networks, we finally arrived. We were greeted at the gate by men wearing what I guess would be their indigenous Bedouin costume. Turban + colourful silky clothing. The entire pavement outdoor was covered with carpets and you see some men seated comfortably on them drinking and smoking. The scene reminded me of Alladin and his magic carpet. The gate greeters who were carrying large orange clay jars poured some liquid onto a flattish orange clay bowl and offered a bowl to us one by one. I took a sip and finished it. It tasted ok. I would have also finished it even if it tasted like the coffee the other day. Adel told me these are flower petals grinded and mixed with water. Similar to our bandung in singapore -which uses rose petal. At the door, the groom, together with the father and other relatives greeted us. Some like me, by a handshake, others by their usual cheek to cheek kiss, left cheek first, and then right cheek coupled with a gentle hug.
Inside it was like a giant ballroom hall with nothing except soft chairs and lounges lined up in rows. You see men, mostly in white turbans seated comfortably and chit chatting. We were in the men’s section. Behind the walls were the women. I asked Adel if we will see the bride or any woman at all later. “Never’. was his answer. Even the groom will not see his wife during the party. In fact, before agreeing to marry, he visits the woman’s parents and for the first time he has the opportunity to see his bride-to-be for around 15 minutes, that’s it. All marriages here are arranged. Just like my parents’ back in old China.
It sounds unimaginable for us to be marrying someone you hardly know or even seen. But it seems to me that if you compare this to our culture of whirlwind courtship and romance before marriage, we are not doing any better in terms of fidelity and faithfulness. Ironically, the culture of arranged marriages usually are those that lasts longer and end up in more stable marriages. This seem to prove that we all can love someone and anyone more and ourselves less if we decide we want to.
Popular wisdom will argue that we will have more freedom when there are no rules or law or culture to binds us. The wisdom of the Church says that it is precisely the laws, the rules and the cultures that ensures our freedom. If there are no traffic rules, yes, we are free to drive anyway we want without a care – just like the road maniacs here. No problem. However if our carelessness eats into and interferes into the freedom and rights of another to be safe. Then my seeming freedom becomes only an illusion because this same man whose rights to be safe I took away by my careless driving, also can take away my rights the same way I took his. Traffic rules are there to set us free- not chain us. ...
Let's talk more about freedom…The U.S. is said to be the freest country on the planet. Yes? No! In fact, the U.S. is less free in many areas of life than say, a ‘dictatorial-style-government-ruled’ country like Singapore . I can ask my imaginary pony-tailed hokkien-speaking girlfriend to take a stroll with me along Orchard Road at 3am in the morning and both of us will have nothng in our minds except each other. Can I do the same in say, Beverly Hills ? I’ll probably be constantly watching our backs. The possibility of us being robbed or mugged and my cute girlfriend taken away from me in no time will be very real. It’s just not possible to walk the streets at 3am! Although theoretically, I am free to walk anytime I want in both countries. Somebody’s claim of absolute freedom(to do whatever he wants with me and my cute girlfriend) and his lack of respect for the rules and the laws effectively takes away my freedom to walk the streets at any hour I wish...As such, respect for the rules and the law in Singapore gives me and everyone else living there true physical freedom.
I guess in marriage, there are also rules and laws to follow which gives both the husband and the wife true emotional freedom. It is very common for the spouses to claim that their freedom has been lost after marriage. The irony here, I guess, is that most do not realize that those who keep faithful to their marriage are those who have found genuine freedom while those that have strayed found their freedom and other people’s freedom taken away. In marriage and family life one sacred rule we were taught is:
In everything the husband decides to do, he should put his wife first, his children second and himself the last priority. And likewise for the wife, she puts her husband at the top, the children second and herself, always last.
Easy to say but very very difficult to do especially if you have tried doing it and your spouse doesn’t seem to appreciate your efforts one single bit. We all know it. But nothing easy is as rewarding as hard feats. Life is full of paradoxes. It is in giving ourselves fully and unreservedly and in dying to oneself that we attain and receive happiness, more than in taking. It is in loving that we receive more love. Giving respect that we gain other’s respect.
On a much higher and profound level… Banson entering the life in a Benedictine monastery effectively binds him to so many rules and laws unimaginable to most people. These rules, as seen by people outside are like chains on him, keeps him in prison. Seemingly, but on the spiritual realm, these rules and laws are actually what sets himself free and his offer of himself also sets many people around him free.
The Church is often criticized for its rigidness and its zillions of rules and commandments. If only we know better, the rules are there to make us happy and set us free – not the other way around as we often deceive ourselves to think. A paradox indeed.
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